My Recovery Journey: The Public's Response to My Story

There's beauty in the every day.

I made the decision to write my blog series, “My Recovery Journey”, for a few different reasons and the public's response to my story so far has been wonderfully supportive. When I was living through this, I didn't realize the weight the trauma would carry for me until I worked through some of these feelings over time. The isolation and estrangement were a huge part of this trauma and I wrote this blog series because I wanted others that may be in situations like this to know that they are not alone. I want others to know that they are seen and there is a world of people out there that love them and support them because when you are in an abusive relationship you don’t know who to trust or if anyone truly loves and cares for you. I also want other survivors to know that there is life on the other side of the abuse. It took me a long time to personally realize that. I have done a lot of work on myself and my mental health to get to where I am today. I promised myself that I would take this horrible series of events and I would turn it into something positive. If I can help others feel seen and supported, or have them hear my story and then know that they too can reach out for help, then I will be successful in my decision to give back in this way. I want this series of blog posts to reach anyone that feels alone. I want this series to help normalize difficult conversations like this. When things like this happen, victims are afraid to ask for help. I want to change the narrative that seems to traditionally protect the abusers, and isolates the victims. This is all about creating awareness. Getting people talking, getting people listening, and ultimately for others to feel safe to share their story eventually, too.

I had no idea what to anticipate when I made the decision to write my story. I wrote these blog posts because it was therapeutic for me to speak on the experience that I went through. I spent years allowing others to speak for me and tell my story. After a lot of personal growth and reflection on the trauma that I endured, I decided that I was ready to share my story for the first time. I knew that sharing this would help others feel supported in their journeys and it would also bring light to victim's side of domestic violence. I wrote this series now because I felt as though I was finally ready to speak about my experience. Going through the series of traumatic events that I discussed was extremely difficult and it took a lot of work to move through. I have a wonderful support system between my therapist, doctors, family and close circle of friends and I finally felt strong and sure of myself and my own decision for the first time in years.

When I made the decision to write about this, I knew that it was time in my gut. I knew that it was time for me to share my story and it would continue to help me through the healing process. I did my best to be very selective and specific with the details that I shared. I first and foremost wanted to be able to back up anything that I wrote in one way or another. I wanted to make sure that if my writing was challenged for any reason that there would be data whether it was a text message, call log, email, or something physical to back up my writing. This is a reaction I am trained to from years of gaslighting and manipulation. I always keep a log, evidence, if you will, of my experiences so I know what I can trust later on. I also didn’t want to share anything that wasn’t necessary for my story to be told.

Reliving the trauma that I experienced through my writing wasn’t an easy ride. It did bring up a lot of memories of very specific things that I wish I would have never experienced. I also wanted to make sure that I was very specific and matter of fact without adding unnecessary details that would have simply sensationalized the work I was trying to do. This was never about creating headlines. It was about victim awareness and creating a space where other people can feel seen and heard.

Sharing my story has been very healing for me. It allowed me to share my side of a situation where I was villainized and made out to look like someone that I wasn’t. Those who truly know and care about me struggled when I publicly recanted my story, especially

when they were witness to abuse. It was such a healing experience to be able to put

my experiences into words, to take my journals, that were both written and recorded over the time I wrote about, and put them into written form together. It was healing to speak my

truth and feel confident about it. I discussed over and over with my therapist before I made the choice to write out my words. I still talk to her weekly about writing it. It took a long time for me to be strong enough to share my story and she checks in with me about how I feel about all of it regularly. Even still, sharing these very intimate details wasn’t for the faint of heart. I questioned at times certain things that I was writing about, not because I was embarrassed of any of it, but because sharing it makes it very real. When the arrest occurred in 2019, a lot of very personal things were made public record and very private details of my relationship became very, very public. I felt peace with sharing these details now, because I decided to discuss them when I was ready and they were shared on my terms. This is not a luxury I have been given before. Fear played a bigger role in my life as I shared my story than I may care to admit, but I have worked very hard to be completely transparent and vulnerable with my story and my experience. There are some things that I thought would be impactful to write about but I feared some of the retribution that I would receive. Nevertheless, I felt it was more important to tell the whole story. I very much regret taking back my statements in 2019. When I recanted, I did that because I was afraid and being manipulated. The nervousness that I experienced while I was working through this blog series was nothing compared to the fear that I used to live with daily. Now, I was ready to share my story and do my best to help others who are still living in fear. Those select few who may victim shame me, would be doing so because of something they are dealing with themselves, not because of me directly. No one knows what occurred in a relationship other than the two people that were in it. Being victim shamed now would just further validate the need for this to be talked about. We have to quit tearing down the person who is trying to report abuse. This is why I will not back down.

My healing journey will never be over.

Overall, the response to my blog series so far has been overwhelmingly positive. I have had so many people reaching out to me to tell me that they are or were in similar situations. People tell me that they personally would not have had the strength to talk about their situations and they feel that me speaking so candidly about my experience will help others. I have been humbled that others have reached out to me for help. Asking how they can help my mission for spreading awareness. Asking me for resources for people needing to get themselves into a safer situation. Women, men, people of all walks of life have messaged, emailed, and stopped me on the street to share their story with me and that has truly been lifechanging for me in the best way. The amount of hugs, notes, texts, emails, calls, and other messages has been astonishing. Just today I received a call from someone that I used to work with. She wanted to tell me that she was proud of me and others that she works with feel the same way. She said she remembered hearing me be yelled at through the phone and that she would sometimes hear me cry and she knows what I shared was difficult to share but she felt I was going to make a difference for others. That call meant more to me than I could explain. There are good days and bad days. I told her that and she told me that she sees how strong I have become and she knows I will get through it. Sometimes, I don’t think I realize the amount of abuse others saw. It makes me sad but it also reminds me of how far I have come.

Another women reached out to me that got to know my abuser once we split. She reached out to me to apologize for participating in the conversations about me with him because she started to see first-hand exactly what I was sharing in my blogs. She had ended their friendship and this was the reason why she stopped spending time with him. She said that if she wasn’t where she was in her life at that moment she could have easily become the next story being told. She didn’t have to reach out to me and say any of that, but the validation and her apology for something that I didn’t even know took place meant so much to me. Another person that isn’t local to our area sent me a message and shared her personal story with me. She told me that her mother had sent her my blog and thought it would be good for her to read. She is currently living in an abusive situation and she told me that reading my blog series made her feel stronger and made her feel seen. She said it also helped her realize that she wasn’t the problem. That shook me to the core. I hope that I get an update from her and the amazing future that she has in store. A few weeks ago, I was in a local retail store and I was getting help from a sales associate in the store to locate something. She asked me if my name was Heather. I said yes, it was. She told me that she started following me on Instagram and had been reading along with my blog. She said she was in the middle of divorcing her abuser and cried to me about how hard it was. No one understands how hard it is to leave your abuser other than someone that has been in those shoes before. We talked for a while, I gave her my card and also a list of resources that I have that might help her. At the end of the conversation we shared a hug.

As some might guess, I have received negative feedback from my abuser and also my abuser's close supporters. I have received a couple of very hateful and honestly

abusing comments and messages from a few people, but to be clear, those are abuse too.

Someone saying something hateful about me or my story is more about them than it is about me. I know my truth and the experiences that I had. They weren’t in the passenger seat of the car when the erratic driving occurred. They weren’t at home with me when I was being screamed at. They weren’t hiding with me in the bedroom as the door would be physically beat on until the lock broke and crying in fear as my abuser would force himself into the room. They weren’t lying in bed with me at night when consent wasn’t given. They weren’t the one that would live in fear from day to day not knowing what I would come home to and be in trouble for. They weren’t the ones that tried to run from my abuser in a parking lot and when the security guards came, they were threatened not say something to get them into trouble. They weren’t the ones that would beg and plead for their abuser to stop screaming at them as tears would stream down my face. Those weren't their experiences, they were mine.

Growth happens a little bit each day.

It feels amazing to share my story now. I feel stronger than I ever have before and I feel confident. I feel like I am doing my part in making other victims’ experiences valid and by standing up for myself I will help other victims in their journey to standing up for themselves. I also feel at peace in my decision to speak out and speak up for myself because I know it is the right thing to do. I will not ever consider standing down. I will never again take the fall for someone who hurt me. I will not take back any of what I have said, under any circumstances, because it is my true experience and it is and always will be valid. Writing this series hasn’t been to make a splash in our local Central Illinois bubble. This blog series has been visited and read by people from the majority of the US and from many countries around the globe. This was never something that I was writing to talk about anyone else, it has and will always be my experience and how it affected my life. I made very specific choices to not include names, whether they were spoken about positively or negatively because this series is about me, my experiences, my story and my life.