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As we all get older, or go through big life events, a lot of things shift, but one of
the hardest things I have been through have been the changes in my friendships as an adult. In nearly three years time, my life has drastically transformed. I went from being in a toxic and abusive marriage to finally being free. I moved out of my marital home where I had lived for most of my adult life. I have worked to find my footing as a single woman in a community that only ever knew me as my ex-husband’s wife. I have begun the process of building my own business and pursuing a new career. My friendships have changed because I have changed and I seem to have lost my place with those that I called my friends for so many years. Losing that support system was completely unexpected for me.
I have struggled with “what friends choose who,” or the picking of sides in a divorce that makes those choices feel very personal. I have had to relearn where I stand with people, friends, and acquaintances as result. I always thought I had good friends that I worked with in the community or socialized with at events, but as I begun doing things independently to
differentiate myself from my marriage and my ex personally, friends shifted away as well. The loss of my close group of girlfriends has shaken me to the core.
Saying that my marriage was toxic and difficult for me and those around me is an understatement. Releasing myself from that toxicity, living my truth, and finally for the first time in a very long time, standing up for myself, truly has changed me. Some of the friends that I lost simply because they “took his side” was bound to happen, but I would like to be very clear when I say that I never once expected anyone to choose a side. It didn’t bother me if someone was friends with both of us, it just bothered me when things became personal. Rumors, lies, and trash talking amongst friends I thought I would always have, and who witnessed the stress and abuse I had endured in my marriage seemed cruel. These "friends" witnessed my toxic environment and even still, see me as the "bad guy" in this divorce. Some of these friends knew about intimate details that occurred in our marriage long before there was ever an arrest or media circus publishing horrifying details of our lives. Being close with these friends, I shared a lot of my life with them and they knew the highs and the lows that I was experiencing. After I walked away from my marriage I was praised for finally choosing myself, my safety and my happiness. My friendships seemed to become closer and I was really loving surrounding myself with women that were there for me as I had always been there for them.
Then suddenly, what seemed like out of nowhere, my tribe disappeared. Per the usual, I continued to reach out, check in, celebrated their wins, invited them to go out, shared invites to parties or events, shared a birthday or Christmas gift, but eventually the response grew to be fewer and farther between. I was struggling with the events surrounding my divorce in such a way that I decided I couldn’t bear to reach out and be turned away constantly any more. I couldn't hear another excuse of why they would not be available to hang out or just simply get no response at all.
I know that my divorce has changed me, I fully understand that. But I also know that I have changed for the better. Through my life, I have always been one to take care of others and put others first. I threw the birthday parties without thinking twice, I would bring someone medication, food or a care package when they or a family member were ill, sent flowers to celebrate others or lift their spirits, among other things. I never have done any of this expecting things to be reciprocated. I did it because that’s who I am. Regardless of that, it still hurts when these things seem to be taken for granted.
I know one of the most difficult things I am dealing with right now is the emptiness in my
life where a group of close friends is missing. This brings me to the thought that is regularly in my head: how do you find close friends after 40? I am not a mom, so I naturally don’t have mom friends that have been made through my children’s school or activities and from what I have witnessed, that seems to be the easiest way to make friends at my age. At this point in life, just over the 40 year mark, most people are settled into their friend groups. Whether these are friends who are married people and all of the couples spend time together, or coworkers, or even friends that you have been close to since your youth.
So, how do you permeate those groups? How do you make friends?? How do you look at someone you are friends with, but you would like to be closer with and simply say “Can we hang out more?” “Can you and your friends start including me?” How do you look at someone and say, "I really want a bestie. I want to be a part of a circle of women cheering each other on. Any way you can add me to your group text?" "Why don’t you ever think of inviting me along?" "Can I tag along on your girls trip?" For me, it seems ridiculous to ask those questions. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But it is scary. I may seem very outgoing, but deep inside, I have anxiety and fear about being rejected and putting myself out there. The possibility of being rejected is scarier than just hanging out at home alone with Maggie and Netflix.
I knew that when I pursued my divorce, things would change a lot for me and my
friendships, I guess things just changed more than I expected. I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep myself involved in things or to find my footing with groups I have been a part of for a majority of my adult life in the Peoria area. When I look back at my relationship with my ex, we were always so busy. Never home, to the point I would have to beg for a break and the ability to stay home on a Friday night. I thought a lot of those relationships with others would continue post divorce, but after a lot of talking with my therapist, I realized that almost all of my relationships were based around my marriage. I was friends with wives that were in the political circle that we were a part of. I had always thought of them as genuine friendships, but seeing how things have played out, I realize now that they were not. And that is heartbreaking.
Among the conservatives in our area, my ex is looked at as a shining light, someone that gets things done and is good for the community (as he and his followers will shout from the rooftops) and the way he treated his wife and their tumultuous marriage doesn’t matter. When these women friendships started pulling back from me I was hurt, but I understood it as their spouses have relationships with the man I chose to divorce. Others in our shared social circle, made choices to leave me out and invite him to sit at tables and attend social gatherings instead.
This was hard. Some of these female friends reached out to me after I began publishing the story of my recovery journey on my blog, stating their support and telling me they are so sorry that these things happened to me and that they had no idea it was going on and wish they would have been able to help me. Then, almost immediately, making the choice to invite my ex to their next social function and exclude me, hurt so much. I wonder, do others choose to exclude me because they feel as though my ex has political clout or some sort of power, and it would make him angry with them if I am included? Did I turn myself radioactive when I made the decision to publish my story after years of being silent? After I chose to put my own safety and well-being first, did I become the pariah?
Sometimes, I think of what my life would be like if I hadn’t grown stronger and walked away from my relationship, or if I had made the choice to stay silent and not tell my story. Although these thoughts cross my mind I know I made the right choice, I know that protecting myself, my health, and my safety was the right choice for me. Sharing my story to help others and refusing to be silenced was the right decision, even still, does that make me someone who doesn't deserve friendship and comradery?
So, the question here is, how do you make friends after 40? How do you find your tribe
without feeling like you are begging for others to include you? Where do I start? Any and all
feedback is welcomed. How do you ask people to be friends as an adult? It almost feels like asking someone to go on a date, which seems so awkward to me. When we were kids, we would meet other kids at school and people just naturally became friends. There always seemed to be a group that someone could belong to. When I was a child, we moved around quite a bit. I didn’t have that built in group of friends that I became friends with in kindergarten and then we all graduated from high school with one another like most of my peers had. After high school I went to college, then moved a couple of times before I ended up in the Peoria area. It seems like I have come in and out of friend groups my entire life. When you start a new relationship, it almost seems like you get a new friend group built in, but what about when it ends? You end up back in the same spot. So what now? How do I surround myself with people who are also looking for genuine friendships at 40 years old? I guess it has to start somewhere and this is where it will start. Let’s hang out!