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We all experience loss at one point or another in our lives, and how we process that grief can vary. At times we are grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a missed opportunity, or even the end of a love story you thought would only conclude in happily-ever-after. As I find myself in a stage of transition personally, I can’t help but take some time to mourn the life I used to have, the future I thought was before me, and all that comes with that fairytale package.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, it has caused me to reflect a lot on my marriage and has brought up a lot of memories, both good and bad. Valentine’s Day definitely looks different now and being freshly divorced, has brought up all the feelings. Regardless of the fact that I pursued my divorce because I needed to put my physical, mental, and emotional well being first doesn’t mean that I am not mourning the relationship. There may have been a lot of rough times, but there were also a lot of good times. No one gets married expecting to go through divorce, and lately I have been thinking a lot about the life I always hoped for, the life I used to have, and how those things have changed now.
I worked very hard to get to the point where I was strong enough to make the decision to leave my relationship. The decision took a lot of therapy, growth and reflection. I still work on all of that today. Leaving a marriage that was full of emotional, sexual, verbal and physical abuse is a lot harder than some people can comprehend. Even though you may be going through turmoil and many lows, there can also be so many highs. That cycle was repeated in my relationship over and over again. I could feel crushed emotionally after we were in a low cycle and then he would swoop in, apologize, make me feel like the center of his universe, give me hope for the future, and promise the negative things would not happen again. When things were good they were really good and when things were bad they were very bad. Now as I reflect, I realize how good we were at masking the bad so others wouldn’t see, because in our marriage, image was everything and sadly love wasn’t.
I consistently work hard in therapy to continue to process the things that occurred in my marriage. Sometimes I find myself feeling down because I miss my old life and I worry that my new life won’t include a lot of the things and people that I very much loved and enjoyed. My therapist said to me, just last week, that’s it is okay to be sad about the loss of the relationship and that really helped me. She also reminded me of the cycle that we were in and just because I am feeling low about it at the moment, to not be hard on myself or forget the things that caused me to pursue my divorce. I worry a lot that I will struggle in all of my relationships moving forward because of the trauma that I endured throughout my marriage. Will I constantly have trust issues? Will I continue to accept less than I deserve from my future relationships? Will I continue to dismiss bad behavior because the highs of the relationship are so good? I certainly hope that I won’t do any of these things, but that is why therapy, reflection, self care and working on myself are so important to regularly process my emotions and to set up my future for success instead of more disappointment.
I have worked hard on my self care since the end of my relationship, and by saying that I don’t mean facials, massages, shopping trips or things of that nature. I have worked really hard on taking care of myself and my feelings. I became so unhealthy during the final years leading to the end of my relationship. Gaining weight, using substances to “check out if my life” because I couldn’t handle the things that were happening around me; I forgot how to love myself and I was not able to properly handle my emotions. Since the end of my relationship (but long before the divorce was finalized), I prioritized healthy eating, moving my body regularly, meditation, consistent therapy, and to live my life in a very unapologetic and authentic way. Because of these things, I have continued to grow, become stronger every day, love myself more, stand up for myself and my life, put my career first and I am succeeding at all of these things a little bit more each and every day. There are still plenty of areas that I need to improve on, like learning that I need to surround myself with people that put the same amount work into the relationship as I do, but as I said, everything gets a little better every single day. Despite the personal growth that I am so thankful to have experienced, I find myself falling into my feelings from time to time and I do experience set backs. Growth is not a linear process and I have really worked to be okay with that fact that it is okay if I have a day or two where I find myself upset and feeling all the feels, as long as I wake up the following day, look in the mirror and promise to myself that I got this and get back to my life because I deserve to have the best future possible.
Following the end of my relationship and divorce, I, at times, feel very down and sad about the life that I had and the loss of the future that I had before me. Even though this change was for my own best interest and something that I had to do, I am still processing the grief of not getting the future that I thought I had prepared for. In the beginning of the divorce process, I worked so hard to keep the life that I had, but somewhere along the way that started to change. I have received a lot of judgement following the end of my relationship and I know that it is because during my marriage I wore my mask so well that very few people knew about or understood the trauma that I was going through and then in the process of beginning to speak the truth of what happened, so many people questioned the validity of it, which still breaks my heart. Unless you have been through an abusive relationship, you will have no way of understanding the reasons victims of abuse don’t share what they are going through within their relationship and what is happening to their mental health. Having a false narrative spread about me and my relationship was very hard on me. Yet, again, I find myself remembering not only the bad times but the good times, the times that we were a team and did well together as a couple.
On Wednesday, February 5th, I found myself crying so hard on my couch. This year, it was the three year anniversary of the death of our shared dog, Izzie. It brought back so many memories of that week in 2022, starting with the fact that before she passed I had told my ex that our marriage was beyond repair and I wanted to pursue divorce. Even though I was struggling through those emotions, I found myself wanting to reach out to him and share memories of our sweet little old lady (as we referred to her as) and share some happy memories of our times with Izzie. I didn’t reach out to him, because it would have done more harm to me than good. I spoke with my therapist about these feelings the following day and she told me that she was sorry and she couldn’t have imagined how hard things like this are but she was proud of me for putting myself first and not falling to my emotions surrounding Izzie. She told me that it is totally okay to be sad over these types of memories. We talked about the highs and lows of my marriage and she urged me to be okay remembering both, because it would help me to continue to heal.
Feelings like these make me feel so conflicted, and they mostly feel wrong because I was the one who made the decision to divorce. Being unhappy in my marriage and needing to end it, doesn’t mean that we didn’t share 15 years of memories, including some very happy ones. I am also mourning the person that I once knew, the person that I chose to spend the rest of my life with, even though he wasn’t the person I chose in the end of our relationship. No matter the highs and lows that I experienced in my relationship, or the abuse I endured or the infidelity that I begged for him to stop, I never hated him. I still don’t hate him. I just had to make the choice for my emotional well being, my safety and my happiness that I needed to love myself more and protect myself and my future.
I have tried to be kind and remain civil throughout our uncoupling, even though it became very evident that I wasn’t receiving the same in return. Just because someone is unkind to me doesn’t mean that I would be unkind to them. I have worked so hard in my life to always be that way (although, again, I am not perfect and I haven’t been that way 100% of the time). Speaking about my experience within my relationship through my blog was not something I did to cast shame, hate or embarrassment. I did it because I promised myself when I was at treatment in 2020 that I would take a horrible situation in my life and use it to help others and spread awareness. I felt so alone for so many years and I never want for others to feel that way. I also know that when I was made out to be the scapegoat during the legal process that surrounded his domestic violence arrest, I yearned for others to understand my side of the story. My biggest regret was allowing myself to become the fall guy in the situation but I was scared, confused and I feared for the unknown.
Now, with Valentine’s Day coming (tomorrow), it has caused me to reflect on the things that I always hoped my relationship would be full of. I remember the first Valentine’s Day that we spent together and some of the intense feelings around it and I remember a lot of the disappointment that surrounded the holiday (at times) as well. I always hoped that my relationship would be like a fairytale (which I think so many women do) but also I remembered the constant feelings of not being a priority to my ex husband and being told constantly that how I felt didn’t matter. I always hoped that I would experience a magical Valentine’s Day and I would be showered with love, affection, flowers or really anything and I remembered how disappointed I would feel over the years, not feeling loved or appreciated. Yes, I know that Valentine’s Day is basically a fake holiday created by the greeting card companies but that doesn’t mean that I am not sad that I never received a surprise delivery of flowers, a day full of affection towards me or even the feeling that our relationship was the most important thing to him. I know that I may be thinking unrealistically about my future Valentine’s Days, but I very much hope that someone special showers me with love, affection, flowers, and happiness someday.
As tomorrow comes and goes, I just hope I won’t be disappointed that these things didn’t happen again this year, as all I want is to feel special to someone. I want someone in my life that puts as much into the relationship that I do and I strongly desire to feel the same amount of love that I give. I don’t think I am being unrealistic in my hopes for this, as I know that so many other women are lucky enough to have this in their lives, even though I have yet to find that.
Now, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in years and I am so thankful for that. I am so glad that I am where I am in life and I have such a positive outlook for my future ahead. Making the decision to love myself more than the future I wanted to have was a difficult one but it has made my life so much better. I have worked so hard on creating a life path that I can be proud of and surrounding myself with people that I trust and love. My life hasn’t yet had its fairytale relationship but I hold hope that it is out there for me, but, if it doesn’t happen I know I will be okay and I will have a fabulous future, regardless. I wasn’t happy to pursue divorce, I tried for years to find a way to keep us together. I was honest and open throughout our years of couple's counseling, I worked hard in my own therapy, I tried my best to be the wife he expected me to be and provide him the future that he told me very early on that he wanted. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect, and I learned the hard way that perfection is not something that is even able to be attained. When I attended treatment in 2020, that was so much of what we worked on. My need to be perfect for my husband and my life was ruining me from the inside out. Looking back, he wasn’t the husband I wanted him to be either, even though I always held hope that he would become that. I wanted someone to love me and make me a priority in their life. I wanted someone to love me for who I was and not for the person they wanted me to be. I wanted someone that valued the blessing of a family over obsessing about money. I wanted someone that took accountability for their actions and not someone who gaslighted me into submission and caused me to constantly question the reality that I lived in. I wanted someone that wanted me to have the things in life that I truly wanted (a family) versus only caring about the things that were important to him (his political future and agenda). I have come to the point where I am so much more at peace with the fact that my life took a sharp turn and quickly seemed to change paths. Sometimes things don’t work out the exact way that we want them to and that is okay.
I chose to write this blog because I wanted to have an honest conversation about being thankful that I was strong enough to pursue divorce, but being okay with also mourning the life that I had and the future I thought that I had. I wasn’t happy to get a divorce but I needed to pursue it because I needed to put my physical and mental health first and I feel good about that decision. There are good moves that you can make in life that can still make you feel conflicted and that can hurt.
I would like to encourage others to think about this. Have you had to make a decision that your weren't exactly happy about but you needed to do it to protect yourself and your future? I want to normalize being okay with having to pursue an end to a relationship and still be sad about it. I want to encourage honest conversations about how you feel and being okay being conflicted. Have you ever had feelings like mine while ending a relationship? Leave a comment about your experiences and we can all support each other, and celebrate one another’s wins.
With Love,
Heather