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To the woman who is afraid to live alone,
Going through a divorce is something that changes you. It brings up fears and doubt. As you grow and move on from a marriage, no matter the reason why it's ending, you might have to unlearn learned behaviors--I know that I did. I made the decision to separate from my marriage multiple times before I finally walked away for good. I was scared because my learned behaviors were engrained in me, telling me I could not do it on my own, or that I
would fail. I was scared to live alone again. I was scared because the world has changed so much since I last lived on my own, nearly 20 years ago. I didn’t know what it would be like to come home to an empty house. I didn’t know what to expect with having to be fully independent and in charge of my own household. There were so many things that were swirling through my mind and that caused anxiety but also excitement. So much excitement. I'm on the other side and I am here to tell you living alone was/is an act of self-love.
First and foremost, I was so excited at the thought of having a house that was all mine. The house is mine to decorate as I see fit. It is mine to set up as I please. My home is my safe space where I am free to do as I want and make decisions all on my own. When I was getting ready to move into my new house, I was obviously envisioning what I wanted to do with decorations and making it my own, but I first thought about how I would be safe. I very much had fears for my safety, some rational, informed by trauma, and some more hypothetical, and I wanted to make sure that I would feel as safe as possible in my new home, not matter what. I had the home set up with an alarm system from ADT that was to be fully installed two days after I moved in. I also added exterior cameras and doorbells from Ring. I made the decision to have my exterior cameras cover multiple angels of my exterior and they are each equipped with a solar panel for the battery. I honestly don’t have to do a thing with them, so they are perfect. It gives me some extra peace of mind if I wake up in the middle of the night and get concerned that I could have forgotten to shut the garage door, a quick check to the Ring App on my phone and I feel ten times better. If you get that uneasy feeling sometimes, you should consider installing one. ADT is a service I had at my last home and loved their service, so when I was moving here, I didn’t think twice about another company, although I did increase the number of sensors, etc. to feel more secure. I always turn it on before I leave, when I come home, and before I head to bed, ALWAYS. That just makes me feel much safer. I also have my little routine before bed; I make sure that the deadbolt to the garage is locked, sliding door to the backyard is locked, all downstairs windows are closed and locked and head to bed. My house is my version of Fort Knox, and I am absolutely okay with that because, the world is weird and being a woman living on my own makes me feel like I could be an easy target.
My sweet little Maggie is nowhere near a guard dog either, if someone broke into my
home, she would roll on her back and be ready for belly rubs and assume they were there to play with her! She knows the routine at night; we go outside, make sure everything is locked and then flies up the stairs to snuggle into bed!
One of the things that I enjoyed most about moving into my new home, which I rightly named the “Freedom House,” was making all the decisions about how it was going to look and how it would be decorated and creating the overall vibe of my new Freedom House. I wanted to make sure that the space was bright and full of light. I wanted it to be vibrant and joyous. I wanted it to feel luxurious and sexy. I had a vision that this home would be calm and clean but accented with rich jewel tones. I saw this couch years ago, it was a navy blue velvet. That couch is something that I have dreamed of for so long, and
although I didn’t purchase it for this home, I used the navy velvet as a guide in what I was wanting and found two navy chairs, accented my cream couch with navy velvet pillows. That’s where I started, then I pulled in hot pink accents and some rich green tones.
My home is a place of solace for me, it is a place of peace and joy which is something that my home lacked during my marriage. I purchased a lot of my furniture from Amazon. That’s where I got my accent chairs for my living room and bedroom, my master bedroom bed, coffee tables, accent tables, as well as some beautiful shelving. I feel as though I got very lucky with some of the fun items that I found. I also purchased some furniture items locally and then brought a couple of small pieces from my old house and then I have some treasured pieces of furniture from my late mother. My home is filled with photos of my family and I, little treasures that I have found over the years, art from local artists, books that inspire me, flowers, mirrors to reflect the light through the home, warm blankets and a ton of fluffy white towels and comfy white bedding.
One of my favorite rooms in my home is my office. I still need a couple of things for it. I haven’t found the right accent chair and I need some more things on my walls, but it has amazing light, this amazing green banana leaf wallpaper, my vanity and the cherry on the top is the neon sign that hangs on the wallpapered wall behind my desk that is pink and says, “She lived a life she loved” accented with a purple heart at the end for my mom.
My mom so wanted to see me living the future that I am walking down the path of. She supported me through the ups and the many downs of my marriage. Even though
my mom was never able to see me finally walk away from my marriage and all of the struggles that it included, I do know for sure that her spirit is in this home. She walks beside me in the halls, she sits with me on the couch and talks about my day and snuggles with Maggie. When it is warm out, she sits out on the patio with me and has a cup of coffee with me like we planned to do at her house when she was moving to Peoria. There is a purple heart to signify my mother in every room of this house whether you can see it or not and that is my favorite part of living here. Everything that my mom did to
support me and help me for the last 15 years led me to my Freedom House. She taught me lessons of divorce through her experiences and the trials and tribulations that come with it. I am so thankful for those conversations because it helped keep me from completely breaking down when things got more difficult at the end of 2023. My mom would love my Freedom House, I know that. My mom would be proud of me for sticking to my guns and keeping strong through every step of my journey.
My Freedom House is one where no judgments are passed. Where I can laugh, cry, or shout, with no worries that someone will be mad about it. Somedays, I practice my “single secret behaviors” (this term coined from Sex and the City), and I do them with a smile on my face. There is always champagne in the fridge, candy in the dish on the coffee table, snacks available, fixings for charcuterie, leftovers from cooking big dinners and not always having someone to share them with, it is (mostly) always clean enough that someone could swing by for a glass of wine or coffee and be welcomed at the door without feeling embarrassed for what my home looks like. It is a place of peace and solace. You can regularly find me jamming to my “Just Me” playlist on Spotify as the sounds are carried through the house as I always utilize all of the speakers!
I know that I am in my Enlightenment Era(Heather's Version) and every single day I do my best to make life beautiful. Moving to this home and starting from scratch terrified me at times, but having this be my safe space, where I am protected, without toxicity, a comfortable bed that doesn’t have trauma attached to it brings me peace that out weighs the fear. This is truly my place of solace and joy.
-Heather
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